Grief When You Are Overwhelmed.
Processing grief when you are overwhelmed can feel impossible. Whether you are in the first raw stages or if it’s been several years, grief over the loss of your parent can surface without notice and derail you. All sorts of feelings bubble up out of nowhere. You can feel overwhelmed and underwater quickly.
Life has been hard these past few years. People have lost jobs, had to quit their job, or are struggling to hold down a job while juggling the demands of family during a pandemic. Kids have struggled in school and have fallen out of touch with friends. Thousands of homes burned in wildfires. Political disagreements divided families. Racism is surging. Countries are at war. Refugees are fleeing or dying. Many people struggle to meet their basic needs. People are isolated and lonely. If your mom or dad died on top of all these things, you are managing grief while trying to keep going. That is a lot to carry.
Even as I get older I still look around and think is this really what it’s like to be an adult? I don’t feel like an adult inside–some days I still feel like a neurodivergent latchkey kid home alone–microwaving marshmallows and eating processed cheese slices and peanut butter straight from the jar. I’ve never been a Pinterest-worthy, PTA mom who flawlessly handles All The Things for her children, their home, and the doodle dog that needs professional grooming every 8 weeks. My own last professional haircut was in December 2019 for a job interview before the pandemic started. I often struggle to remember to feed my kids vegetables. Yet it’s still my job to make sure everyone has clean underwear, even on hard days when I’m crying and wishing my mom could come back.
I don’t feel as responsible or capable or wise as the adults I saw as a child–the ones who could step in and fix things, the ones who could get me through a chaotic situation and out to the other side. With so much new territory to navigate, life can feel like you are inching along in the pitch dark, hands outstretched, feeling around to locate obstacles before you crash into them.
Now I am that adult. I was my mother’s daughter, and then I had two children of my own. My mom was still there. She was Grammy. I was in the middle, floating, simultaneously playing the roles of both daughter and mother, while my children looked up to both of us for love and care.
After she died, everything shifted. My daughter became the daughter, and I became the mom. Without my mom alive, I felt like I wasn’t a daughter anymore. I was no longer in the middle, with my mom there to love me as I looked back and my children just ahead of me in a bright future. The piece of me that was a child who could look to her for guidance, advice, or love was roughly cut out of my body and discarded. Suddenly it was just me at the top. The adult. The one who is supposed to know what to do.
The problem was I didn’t know how to handle grief. Especially such raw, immense grief. I didn’t know how to step in and make everything okay. I still looked around, hoping for a real adult to materialize and guide me through to the other side of grieving.
I was quickly overwhelmed when I realized I don’t know how to do this. I didn’t know how to keep living after my mom died. I didn’t know how to move forward and be fine for my children. They still had swim lessons and school. They still needed meals everyday. They needed to see friends and live, in a way that didn’t always include being stuck in the house and watching their mom cry.
Especially in today’s dynamic of social media, where it seems everyone shares the highlights of their fortunate lives, it can feel impossible to keep up. There are days when it feels like everyone is baking perfect sourdough loaves, starting their spring gardens, and taking their children on grand adventures.
It looks like they do it all, and I want you to know that it is okay for you to not do it all. It is okay for you to not do any of it. Yes, if you have children, they have basic needs that must be met, but don’t make the mistake of holding yourself to what you see other people doing on social media.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you can say no to obligations. You don’t have to schedule weekly play dates for your kids or volunteer to be a lunch monitor or a field trip chaperone. You have permission to plant nothing in your garden, or to plant just a few flowers instead of a dozen different vegetables. You have permission to let it rest for the season.
You have permission to make things easier for yourself right now, in any way that you can do it. Simplify. Donate things so that you have less to clean up, less to wash, and less inventory to manage. Or don’t! You are the adult now, and yes, it can be lonely at the top, especially without seeing your parent’s familiar face when you look over your shoulder, but you get to make the rules.
It is okay to think that right now you have enough, and that there is no need to keep up with others. Yes, you are the adult, but you are also the child. You can take that child’s hand and tell them that it will be okay. You will get through this chaotic situation and come out on the other side.
It is okay to be still and silent, to turn inward during this season, and to rest. Give your body water. Eat nourishing food. Make sleep a priority. (I am working on this one. I tend to stay up late and let my brain spin out of control overthinking and planning.) Move your body. Exercise. Dance. Walk. Even something small. Just pick one. Tell the child-you that you’re going to take care of them.
You can take my hand, too. (Or maybe I am reaching out for yours.) Either way, we are walking together.
Please leave a comment below to let me know how you’re feeling or what you’re doing to keep the overwhelm at bay.
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Living so far from my mum her day to day support came from the phone. 6years in and I’m missing her but it just feels like she’s being rude not keeping in touch. I’m lucky that I have a sister and though she’s younger than me we built a support system for each other. We check in on a weekly basis. I moved so far from my family. 4-5hrs in the car. It’s not that I didn’t love them I just followed a man and when that didn’t work I stayed because I’d found the most amazing people. I worry when my standards slip so low and my overwhelmed by life gets so much. I do the bare minimum. I constantly feel like I need to play catch up. But the good days get me through. If I could just train my 15 year old to pick up after themselves/ not add to the chaos I’d be ok. In the same breath I’d hate to live alone.
Hi Lara, thank you for your comment! I moved across the country from my mom, too. Sometimes I like to imagine she’s still in her home, making tea in the kitchen, or that I haven’t heard from her because she’s on vacation. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling overwhelmed. That “need to catch up” feeling is so hard. I think doing the minimum is fine. Sometimes we need those days (weeks? months?) Trying to keep it all together without a support system around you is tough. I’m in the same boat. Thank goodness for those good days, right?