When someone we love dies, having friends, family, or a supportive community around us can be a great comfort. It can also be complicated to process and experience our grief when we must interact with others. Other people’s words and actions affect us. Sometimes we’re forced to take on new roles or personas that would be different if we were simply grieving alone.

If you recently lost your mother or father, you might feel like you’re falling apart. Plus you might also be the glue holding the people you care about together. Let’s talk about the different roles we play in family or community grief.

People often like to match themselves to an archetype to understand or define themselves. An archetype represents a pattern. Archetypes are universally recognizable characters. In literature, we often see archetypes such as the hero, the caregiver, the trickster, or the innocent.

But when grieving a significant loss, we often find ourselves shifting from persona to persona. We take off one hat and put on another. We often don’t stick to just one archetype. I imagine temporary grief types rather like those paper “Hello, my name is…” adhesive name tags. With temporary grief types, we pull off our name tags and replace them with a new grief type as needed.

Take a look at some of these temporary grief types. Do any of them sound like you?

The Anchor.

The anchor must be emotionally strong, because others around them are breaking down in grief. Anchors lend strength to others. If you are an anchor, you might feel like you need to suppress your emotions to continue to be a stronghold for those around you.

The Juggler.

The juggler maintains the calendar. The juggler manages all of the tasks and keeps everyone on track with the responsibilities of life. Jugglers keep the regular world turning while others grieve. If you are a juggler, you might feel strain from the increased weight of managing and tracking everything everyone needs to do.

The Lifeguard.

The lifeguard actively works to keep others from drowning in grief, as waves threaten to pull them under. Lifeguards notice the needs and emotions of others. If you’re a lifeguard, you might be consumed with constantly scanning the water and looking for danger, always alert in case a loved one needs you. You may not realize you are delaying or forgetting to sit with your own grief.

The Mystery Box.

The mystery box can’t help but flip-flop between emotions at any given time. They are unpredictable and often erratic. They might be silent and seemingly calm, but are suddenly blindsided by sadness that brings uncontrollable crying. If you are a mystery box, grief can feel like you are on a roller coaster, experiencing a rapidly changing set of sudden emotions.

The Changeling.

The changeling quickly shifted into a completely different person than who they were before someone they loved died. The changeling may seem to have flipped a switch to a suddenly extra positive personality. Or they may have gone to a darker place. In either case, a majority of who the changeling used to be is missing. It’s as if an entirely new person is living in their place.

The Sponge.

The sponge is a taker who absorbs from others. The grieving sponge may not be able to fully care for themselves. Often a sponge has nothing left to give and needs physical, emotional, or spiritual nourishment. A sponge needs to take their hands off the wheel or can’t help letting go of it. If you are a sponge right now, it’s critical that you reach out for support and help while you are grieving.

The Stopped Clock.

The stopped clock is frozen in time. They can’t move forward. They simply can’t move at all. The stopped clock is stunned. All of life stops in their eyes when a tremendous loss brings grief. Sometimes a stopped clock simply needs a break or a rest, but support can be needed to get the clock ticking again. If you are a stopped clock, it might feel horrible to look back into the past when your person was alive, and yet it feels impossible to take even one step forward.

The Archaeologist.

The archaeologist is consumed with the past. They spend all of their time and energy after the death of a loved one reliving past memories. Archaeologists dwell on what was. They can’t function in the present and won’t move ahead to the future. If you are an archaeologist, you might forget to take care of yourself or others in the here and now.

The Sprinter.

The sprinter runs ahead and wants to get away from grief as quickly as possible. The sprinter tries to leave their grief behind by rushing forward into the future. If you are a sprinter, know that while forward motion can be healthy, running away from deep emotions or leaving them unpacked might be harder down the road, especially with big grief that is left to fester.

The Happy Cloud.

The happy cloud is determined to avoid feeling or expressing sadness. Forced positivity is their armor against the pain of grief. They may relentlessly demand that others behave the same. For the happy cloud, the silver lining will always stifle any negative emotions expressed by others or felt deeply within themselves.

The Lighthouse Keeper.

The lighthouse keeper has seen and lived through hard grief before. They are a candle in the window on a dark night. A guiding lantern in a midnight forest. They beckon newly grieving souls into their orbit and help to bring wisdom, peace, or guidance on the well worn path of grief.

Do you see your friends or family or children in this list?
How does the hat they wear affect your daily life?
How does their grief affect yours?

Sometimes we are the hub of the wheel or the glue holding everything together. Other times we’re the one who needs a safety net held below us as we fall.

Grief plays a long game with our minds and hearts. In different phases and stages of life these temporary roles can make it so much harder. Sometimes just when we think we’ve got things all figured out, the universe picks us up from our familiar surroundings and drops us on a brand new path with a new name tag or a different hat. (Or sometimes several hats worn in layers!)

What role do you play in grief for those in your immediate circle or your community?
What type of support do you need to seek out for yourself?

Are there any temporary grief types that you think should be added to this list? Let me know in the comments below.