We feel September in our bones. September is a time of change in tangible ways. If you are grieving the death of a parent or loved one, your grief might feel even worse in September. Let’s talk about why and what you can do about it.

When the seasons change the world visibly changes. The trees turn red and gold. Nature shifts before our eyes. The temperatures drop (or rise, depending on where you live), and the weather changes. Here in Oregon the rainy season begins. The days grow shorter as we move toward winter.

For many people September is back to work time after a more loosely scheduled summer, when we made time for vacations or camping or family fun. In September we don’t have to look far ahead on the calendar to see the end of the year looming. We begin to think about what we need to get done before the year ends. The deadline is in sight. Right now in September we can already see the door beginning to close on the year.

You might feel the push or pull of life and its changes more in September than you do in January when we celebrate the new year. On New Year’s Day our resolutions for health and happiness seem so possible. We have a whole year spread out before us. So much time, right? We imagine many possibilities for the year ahead, but not many of us follow through with our New Year’s goals. We get distracted or fizzle out.

Our perspective is different in September. We’re no longer imagining lovely dreams and limitless possibilities within a large, abstract chunk of time. In September we see the finish line and know that we need to get ourselves in gear if we want to accomplish anything within the year. We estimate how far we can go with the time we have left, and often we can ride that motivational wave through to the end of the December. In September dreams or goals or requirements become urgent.

September is also back to school time. It’s a time of matriculation–leveling up, making progress, and moving to the next grade. Back to school time means we must take inventory.

Kids might need new clothes if they’ve outgrown or worn out what they have. Parents and teachers make school supply shopping lists. Students might need packs of paper, notebooks, and pencils. Kids (and many adults) need a fresh eraser for mistakes they will surely make. We buy folders and backpacks preparing to carry the work and productivity that begins in or around September.

Even if you’re an adult no longer in school, you probably have core memories of what it felt like beginning a new grade level. You might recall anticipating the increased workload or demanding schedule. Maybe every year you felt renewed social anxiety. Maybe you had a close knit friend group and remember the milestones that forced you to move in different directions, like when you went to a different college than your high school friends and felt so alone starting over in a new world. Maybe when you moved up to a new grade you looked back with longing and nostalgia for the simpler, easier days past. The back to school effect makes you feel the passage of time even if you’re no longer a student.

So what does any of this have to do with grief or the grieving process after your mom or dad dies? Actually, quite a lot.

We innately know that September is a time to begin. A time of change. A time to move and do and grow. We can practically see the world lurching forward with change and progress around this time of year. When you’re struggling with grief after a very important person dies, you often don’t want to move. You don’t want progress. You don’t want the future, because the future doesn’t have your person in it. Moving forward means leaving them behind, and you don’t want to go.

You might subconsciously feel this pull back every year, no matter how long you’ve been grieving, in the same way that despite your age, each September you might still quietly yearn for a fresh notebook and newly sharpened pencils.

And so, here we are in September. We are students of grief, and the new term is about to begin. What do we do with ourselves when we’re not ready to let go but we need to keep moving forward?

Maybe we need a new notebook after all. Let’s take some notes together on how to survive the seasonal changes of grieving.

1. Take Care of Yourself.

These are the basics, but must be said because it’s so easy to get lost in grief, to drift off and forget that we need enough sleep and water several times a day. Make sure you take at least a few minutes to move your body each day, whether you walk around the block or do a few simple stretches or yoga poses in your living room. No fancy equipment required–just breathing in and out through your nose, and ideally some natural light from the sun and sky outside. Sometimes we need to get into our bodies to get out of our heads. Care for yourself like you’d care for your child or a beloved friend.

2. Let It Be.

Let grief happen. Let it be. But also let yourself have good things. As much as you might want to wallow, to wrap in a blanket, to curl up, burrow down, and hide, we are not going to let ourselves hibernate until winter.

Let yourself have the chance for progress and change and newness to happen along with the grief for the person you so deeply miss. The random waves of sadness will still hit you, as they always have since your person died, but still let yourself take the risk of moving forward. You aren’t moving on and leaving your person behind. They are with you as you move just a little bit forward.

3. Remember That You Are Alive.

My mother died just over six years ago, and in the hazy years since losing her I’ve learned how easy it is to dwell on grief and loss. It takes almost no effort to lose yourself. The death of someone important can put you in orbit around your pain, where you may float indefinitely, recycling memories, replaying what-if scenarios, and reopening wounds that are trying to heal, until you remember that you are alive.

Your person may be gone, but you are alive. You have a responsibility to not only stay alive, but to actually live. Your mother or father or beloved person who died wouldn’t want you to stagnate. You have the gift of more time. It’s okay to use it.

4. Wait It Out.

The saying “time heals all wounds” is often thrown at people experiencing intense pain that has no immediate or tangible solution.

When my mom died and I was at my lowest, sinking into in raw grief, I hated when well-meaning sympathy cards arrived bearing this phrase or anything similar.

This too shall pass? No, it won’t. Grief stays forever. I’ll never fully “heal” from losing my mother.

Grief might eventually pass in the moment, but it comes back. Sometimes it comes back different, but it always returns. The loss of our most important, beloved people and the grief that follows changes who we are at a soul level. Time might try to heal wounds, but healing deep wounds always leaves a scar.

Over the years grief changes. It fades in and out. I never expect to wake up one day and find that my grief is suddenly gone. I’m not necessarily healing, but I am changing.

A song lyric by The Tragically Hip that resonates deeply for me is “either it’ll move me, or it’ll move right through me”.

Grief hasn’t passed. I’m not healed, but grief has absolutely moved me. Grief shifted my perspective on life, the world, and my purpose in it. Grieving my mom’s death changed the trajectory of my life.

Grief moves right through me. It moves through me like water washing through sand, sweeping away emotional burdens I need to leave behind. It moves through me like a blood transfusion, strengthening my resolve to live a meaningful life.

So while I dislike advice like “this too shall pass”, when our grief surges up and threatens to derail our lives during a time of change, sometimes we really do have to wait it out. Your grief might feel worse in September, but September will pass. If we’re lucky, we’ll get many Septembers to practice.

We are students of grief, learning as we go. Our assignment in this new season is to change our lives or the lives of others for the better. How do you want to move forward? How has your grief changed the path of your own life?

Share your notes with the class in the comments section below.